The one about breathing...

Every breath I breathe is prayer...Every exhale, an emptying of whats left of me, and every inhale the taking in of the hope I am searching for in Christ.

It's all I can do is breathe...somehow, God woke me up another day and somehow I am breathing. It's all I can do. In and out. I have nothing else to offer at this moment. Just breathe because that's what He wants.

Everything looks different.

People say, "sing to yourself praise songs, it will make you feel better," but it doesn't. I have no song inside of me...I am heartbroken of his plans for ruining me not just once, but twice.

They tell me to "go sit outside and be with nature." All I can think of is how He sustains the grass and the birds and the flowers, yet the tiny baby inside of me lays in death, still and lifeless all in accordance to His divine will.

I've heard "you have no idea what that child could have been like." Im not sure what that's supposed to mean. Many things from what my mind is assuming...socially, physically, emotionally, spiritually? 

None of the above were meant in harm and all said out of love because the people I love care about me enough to try and comfort, but they are all empty aids. He took from me and its hard to get past it so quickly or easily. And the truth is, He allowed this suffering...it's His doing all from His hand. 

Yet still, I am not angry with Him.  I don't hate Him. I don't question that His plans are wrong. It's just the opposite...Although its the most intense emotional pain and I've ever felt, it makes me more aware that the Master who created me is in control of every fiber of my being. He is the giver and the taker of life. This was His plan for our life, for our baby, for our babies.

The only thing in the entire world that brings me comfort are the words of Job as he laments being born. There is such a clarity in this scripture for earthly death and it truly sheds light on the heart of the brokenness of living in a cursed place.  Simultaneously, it sheds light on the truth of what life is like after death even for a still born child. Light can only be found in darkness. My darkness is the earthly loss of my children and my light is the path that Job leads me down as he so clearly tells me what happened to them.

Job Laments His Birth

1After this Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth. 2And Job said:

3“Let the day perish on which I was born,
and the night that said,
‘A man is conceived.’
4Let that day be darkness!
May God above not seek it,
nor light shine upon it.
5Let gloom and deep darkness claim it.
Let clouds dwell upon it;
let the blackness of the day terrify it.
6That night—let thick darkness seize it!
Let it not rejoice among the days of the year;
let it not come into the number of the months.
7Behold, let that night be barren;
let no joyful cry enter it.
8Let those curse it who curse the day,
who are ready to rouse up Leviathan.
9Let the stars of its dawn be dark;
let it hope for light, but have none,
nor see the eyelids of the morning,
10because it did not shut the doors of my mother’s womb,
nor hide trouble from my eyes.

11“Why did I not die at birth,
come out from the womb and expire?
12Why did the knees receive me?
Or why the breasts, that I should nurse?
13For then I would have lain down and been quiet;
I would have slept; then I would have been at rest,
14with kings and counselors of the earth
who rebuilt ruins for themselves,
15or with princes who had gold,
who filled their houses with silver.
16Or why was I not as a hidden stillborn child,
as infants who never see the light?
17There the wicked cease from troubling,
and there the weary are at rest.
18There the prisoners are at ease together;
they hear not the voice of the taskmaster.
19The small and the great are there,
and the slave is free from his master.

20“Why is light given to him who is in misery,
and life to the bitter in soul,
21who long for death, but it comes not,
and dig for it more than for hidden treasures,
22who rejoice exceedingly
and are glad when they find the grave?
23Why is light given to a man whose way is hidden,
whom God has hedged in?
24For my sighing comes instead of^a my bread,
and my groanings are poured out like water.
25For the thing that I fear comes upon me,
and what I dread befalls me.
26I am not at ease, nor am I quiet;
I have no rest, but trouble comes.”

It's so comforting to me to know that Job found such value in death, even more so that he laments not being stillborn or rescued from this cursed world. He mourns birth because he knows that finding comfort and peace can only be found in the presence of those who are at rest with God himself.

Even though I long to have my children lay upon my breast that he/she should nurse, the first thing my children saw was the face of Jesus. How can I compare? How can my breast satisfy, or the home  and resting place I created for them ever fulfill? The tiny details of provision for my children will never compete with the majesties of Heaven. Who am I to question God's goodness for my children or His purpose for their death?

Thank you Jesus for a way out and a passage of hope for life...for the glory that is to be revealed. One day as I join my children, I will too feel the rest that I so desperately long for. That time is so obviously not now, so I heavily mourn the earthly loss of my babies all the while rejoicing in the spiritual life and heavenly gain and assurance that I have that two of my children have been spared from ever experiencing evil. You are the light in the darkness and as I so desperately search for that light I am reminded of how you allow this suffering so that I can become righteous. Abba Father,  may I never forget that you sacrificed your only son on my behalf, so you understand my pain and suffering.

Romans 8

14For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons^f of God. 15For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”16The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

18For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

26Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because^g the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,^h for those who are called according to his purpose. 29For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

31What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can beⁱ against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?33Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.^j 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Can we stop calling the loss of a child a miscarriage and start calling it "stillborn?" I didn't carry this child by mistake...I carried it because God wanted me to. I carried it because He wanted to give my child life so that it could escape death and be born in the stillness and peace of the presence of God.

As slain as I feel, as ruined as I feel, as my heart is literally broken and spilling out of my chest. I am grateful that I get to see them one day...I will sit at His feet and thank Him for His redemption for my babies.

And what a day that will be....