The one about Celebrating Daddy's Graduation...

(You may have trouble viewing this on an iPad...not sure why, but you may want to pull it up from your phone or a computer.)

Eight plus years ago, my husband started the very hard and time consuming task of getting his masters degree. These years have been filled with adding to our family twice, moving twice, pastoring two churches, having second jobs, among many other exciting new ministry opportunities. During this time we have wanted to add to our family and turn our two to a three and try for that little boy. Nevertheless, we knew that with all of these things on his/our plate, it would be hard to add one more thing.  Its been hard on the family and we have really sacrificed time with daddy, so that he can finish his degree, so we agreed that we would wait to try for that baby until he graduated. December 2013, this amazing task was accomplished (WE ARE SO PROUD OF HIM!!!) and we wanted to start off our new year celebrating that by trying for a baby!!!

We researched and researched on how to get pregnant with a boy and follow the Shettles Method that explains how to best prepare your body to increase your chances for a boy. After charting my cycle, getting my body alkaline, testing for ovulation, timing everything just right, man it was crazy, but we knew it would be worth it if in nine months we were welcoming into the world our new bundle of joy (hopefully a blue one, but if not, just as happy with a pink one.) So we did it we tried and the outcome was exciting!

On January 5th I ovulated and on the morning of the 16th, I took a test that said am pregnant 1-2 weeks gestation!!! Bubba was working all day and I had renewed moms. Neither of us would be available to even talk until that evening. I didn't want to tell him over the phone, I had to hold it in all day!!

Taken on Thursday:

Taken on Saturday just to be sure it was real before we announced it to our church family:

Four o'clock came and so did the repairmen to come fix the floor in our kitchen. We hadn't gotten any homeschool done because I couldn't focus, so we decided to go up to the church were daddy was. I knew I wouldn't be able to contain my excitement and prepared myself to announce it as soon as we got there. I wanted a way to get their reactions on film, so that I could watch it over and over, so I came up with a plan. 

When we got there, we went into his office and said, "we can't homeschool at home because the repairmen were there, so we are just going to hang out up here for a little bit and work on some flashcards." My computer has the funniest photo application that applies funny faces to your normal one and I encouraged the girls to have a little fun with it before we all got back to work. I said, "Bubba, come over here real quick and lets take a couple of funny family selfies on this app and we can all get back to work." So he did...we made funny faces at the camera and then I clicked on record. I was ready to make the big announcement. Here is the outcome:

We were all so excited that none of us could get back to work. Arabella was super excited, and wanted that boy, but Trinity, not so much! She wanted to "still be the baby and get all of the attention!" We are working with her on selflessness still! Haha! We went out that night and celebrated. We went shopping for a tablet for the girls schoolwork and went to eat at our favorite BBQ joint, The Commissary. It was a wonderful evening followed by many wonderful days of announcing it to our families and our church, and Facebook. Everyone was overjoyed for us! Over the last two weeks, I have been looking on Pinterest for nursery ideas for boys and girls, picking out names, fighting over who would change the dirty diapers, all of that fun stuff.

It's super early, I know!!! I am only four weeks pregnant (two weeks gestation) and we announced it already. We debated about sharing so early, but we have never had any issues getting pregnant and none of my family has ever miscarried, so we felt no need to contain our excitement and share the good news so early. We are not private people, it helps to be transparent in the ministry with others about your life if you want others to be transparent with you....its how you earn the right to go so deep with people. We wanted people praying for us that we would have a healthy pregnancy and they are. We also don't want to live our lives in fear of the "what ifs," so that is why we shared so soon. I know a lot of people may judge that, but we are who we are.

It may sound crazy, but I knew when I conceived, my body could feel it. My heart was racing, and over the next couple of weeks, every part of my body has started filling out and certain areas have started getting very sore. There have been moments of queasiness, and dizziness, and I've been pregnant twice now I know all of the signs. This time everything seems to be happening sooner. It made me think either I just know what to look for now and I am hypersensitive to it, or maybe I'm having twins...they say the risk is greater after 35.

Our excitement turned into fear and concern when I hit my four and a half week mark. I began bloating like insane bloating, I was winded in my breathing I bloated so much on Monday Night. I started cramping and bleeding on Tuesday night...it got worse and heavier and my biggest fear became a reality when we went to the ER and they said I could be having a miscarriage. We held out hope that it was implantation bleeding, but they wanted me to follow up with my OBGYN on Wednesday morning and sure enough, she confirmed the miscarriage.

I never thought I would have as much trouble with this as I am. I was so early right...everyone knows the risk of miscarriage is high in the beginning!?! I shouldn't feel so surprised! Nevertheless,  I never thought I would go through a miscarriage. I am fertile Myrtle apparently and so is my family. We've always gotten pregnant pretty much our first try and other than severe nausea and crazy pregnancy rashes, we have never had any major complications. Ive never experienced the frustrations of conception that a lot of my friends have, so the fear of anything like this happening didn't really seem like a possibility to me.

All of the anticipation, joy, excitement, and laughs we have felt over the last couple of weeks have have come to a vicious halt. No more video chat announcements, no more Pinteresting ideas, no more going on faceboook to look at the Congratualtions...all of it hurts too much. Even though it is super early, I am mourning this loss as intently as any mother would loosing a child in utero. This is really TMI, but flushing is one of the worst parts so far. That the making of God's beautiful creation would just be flushed into sewage just sickens me. It gives me a whole new level of compassion for the aborted child and how God feels when His creation is discarded.  The second hardest part is thinking about what sex the baby was and how he/she would have played a role in our family, interacted with the girls, how that little baby was a real person a little Brown and that we no longer get to have with us. How he/she/they had already brought such joy to our family and now no longer with us to grow with us and celebrate future events. What September would have been like having our baby. My heart is aching!

It's not as traumatic for the girls because they are still young and didn't fully understand. Arabella said "Oh man, I am not going to get my baby brother." She has been super sweet to me though, hugging me more, making me come sit down and propping my feet up for me. Bringing me water at random when she noticed I was out. Today she has asked me, "mommy, why are you crying?" I just said, I'm sad. and she snuggles next to me more and says "okay." Its really all I need!

Trinity said "I still get to be the baby longer!" LOL...I love her honesty! Trinity was coming around by playing pregnancy apps on the tablet. She would bring it to me each day and ask, "Mommy, how big is the baby today? Show me what it looks like!" She was getting excited too! Today she wrapped up in a pillow case and said "mommy you have a present open it, its a baby."

We explained to them that our baby stopped growing and that we wouldn't be able to see him or her. That God took the baby and had other plans for it and we are thankful that He is in control because it teaches us to trust in Him. He is a good God and loves us so much that he gave us a new family member for such a short time.

Bubba is hurting too. He has been so attentive and sweet going above and beyond on things around the house and with the girls forcing me to get more rest than I really needed.  He has been my rock! I told him at the hospital, "We have been praying for a healthy baby, and God may just be answering our prayers. What if the baby had been sick, or destined for a hard future." He said, that he feels blessed that I miscarried this early and not later on after we saw the heartbeat and got even more attached. I hadn't thought of it that way before. He always has such a positive perspective. We feel thankful that we know all of my baby parts are working and that we can try again. We don't know when that will be.

So, pray for us! We are heartbroken, but we know that God has a plan for this. I am thankful that it did happen so early, and I am hopeful for our future. Thank you to my sisters and mom who have been with me in spirit for this, they have reached out to me and I have felt them. Thank you to my best girl friends Kari, Angela, Laurie, and Diane, who have physically been here for me and loved on me in so many ways. Thank you to my family and inlaws who have expressed their concerns and prayers over us. Without you all, we wouldn't be so blessed!

Love you guys! Thank you for praying for us!!


Psalm 139:13-16

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."


Highlighted in the photos below is an excerpt from John MacArthurs book called "Safe in the arms of God."  It has brought comfort to me in knowing that my sweet child is waiting for me in heaven.